I'm not angry

I was walking in an unseeing cloud of frustration after a tiring work day, but when I got to the tube station I was humbled.

I step into the lift and a man there says "Is this going down?"
"Don't know. Should be," I reply curtly, without any warmth.
"I'm not angry. I can't see. I'm blind," he says, though perhaps he saw enough of the flush on my face as I softened. I try not to wince at my own embarrassment and the lift descends.

There's a silence until I say, "Can I help you at the bottom?"
He turns to me, and his chameleon eyes fix me uncertainly. They waver as if behind thick glasses and for a moment I have an image of Joyce's dimming sight. There's a shiny tracheotomy scar in the V of his rugby shirt. "I'm very disabled. I'm blind," he says.
"Where are you heading?," I ask over the sound of the lift doors opening at the bottom.
"I'm not angry. South."

"OK, here we are. Would you like to take my arm?"
"I'm not angry. No," he says. We get out of the lift and turn left, and my hand hovers palm up, to guide and support if required. He walks slowly, lurching a bit. He stops. "I had a terrible accident. Smashed my brains."
He takes another step and then stops again, turning to me. "I'm disabled... can't see."
"Yes..."
"I was in a hospital in Spain for five years. They saved my life," he explains.
"Oh."
"I'm not angry...," he says, an explanation and a self-preserving ritual. And then he surprises me: "I was a stuntman. I had an Oscar nomination."
"A nomination for what?," I say quite loudly, because a train is approaching. He holds up a hand defensively.
"I'm not angry. I'm... Die Another Day," he says, eyebrows raised. The train is just about to arrive at the platform.
"Wow, the Bond film. Brilliant!" I say, and then quickly, to cover my insensitivity, "Which station are you going to?"
"I'm not angry", as if to say so why are you?, with a little indignation. The doors of the train are still open and we're just stepping onto the platform. "Euston. Is it this train?"
I look. "Yes, this train..."
"Quickly," he murmurs.
"... goes to Euston, but...," I say, because the doors are going to close any second. He doesn't hear me say but because the train is beeping its doors-closing alarm and he's taking a step forward and up into the doorway. The doors start to close but he holds them open easily, and then the doors are pushed back and open by arms as strong and sure as if they were pistons in the door's folding mechanism.

When the doors close again I'm turning away, but have just enough time, through the scratched-translucent panes of glass in the doors, to glimpse him starting to speak to a woman in the carriage.

Comments

[James Wallis]

Ben Bellman.
http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/wellbeing/story/0,,2061385,00.html

[rodcorp]

Hi James. I didn't search for him online when writing this because I was afraid this would happen: when I compare the voice I gave him here to the one in that article I feel like I've done him a major dis-service. Argh.

[Fred Scharmen]

It doesn't read like a disservice at all. Thanks for sharing the story, Rod.

[Ali Newt]

thanks for writing this, so many people in london don't care anymore. You're a saint :)

[Nikki Roberts]

I stumbled across this write-up by chance today and feel deeply saddened. I knew Ben. We dated for a few months nearly 10 years ago. He was really quite incredible. As well as the stunts, he also wrote beautifully. I remember being impressed by an article he wrote for 'TimeOut' (where he was a resident events reporter) about the brutal killings of sharks in China for the sake of 'Shark fin soup'. He was also a pretty good DJ and a total player with a swarm of gorgeous girls angling for his attention :-). From what I remember he did live and love life in the fast lane though and was always off on his suped-up motorbike to some fencing/martial arts class or to DJ at some celebs party, he had little fear of anything, which I guess made him such a good stunt man, one definitely deserving of an Oscar nomination. I have no way of contacting him but I really wish him all the best. Nikki

[Paulie]

I met ben a couple of times ten years ago or there abouts- once was skydiving in Spain at the empuria brava dropzone another was at a Mounted combat meeting some where up near Reading- he made a good/memorable impression- a nice guy to be around i felt- I had heard about his misfortune through working in stunts- I do wish him peace and progress- buichos le dia

[cc]

i have just met ben, we were on the 22 bus on the kings road, he asked if the stop was worlds end, and i offered to walk him down there...
he seems like a gentle soul and i would gladly walk with him anywhere he needed to go...

[Cheryl]

Gosh I just met Ben today near Covent Garden. He asked me to help him find the Equity building and regaled me with stories of his past while we walked there. Initially I was incredibly cynical about his stories but there was definitely something which made me trust him and I'm glad I did!

[Apollo Fire Alarm Systems]

Jeez! Sometimes i dispair with the London 'Attitude', i do hope things change soon. It gets me down aswell!

[Anonymous]

I work in a store in central London. Ben pops in once or twice a week. He is a really good guy. A lot of people don't believe a word he says although through a bit of research I have found it all to be true! I have seen customers give him strange looks and some even laughing. It's disgusting.

[rodcorp]

It's heartening that everyone who comments on Ben says what a pleasant person he is.

[craig Hamilton]

Ben comes into our salon everyday and we have seen great progress. He is slowly remembering our faces and things about us. It is truly amazing that a human body can fall 2 miles from the sky and survive! We always explain to our clients who are a little apprehensive at first when he walks in. He wrote on a piece of paper today his name and number and address for us to visit him and his mother. He is a very nice man with a good heart!

[David Lomnitz]

I knew Ben when we were only children. We went to Hill House together. Even at 7 or 8 years old he was hanging off the railings of the stairs, dressed as Spiderman. I just looked him up today on the internet for the first time in years. The last time I checked he was a DJ. What moving comments from everyone.

[Rupert Murray]

Hi there, I'm sitting with Ben reading these comments out to him, as we just did a search for his name and this article came up, and it's amazing that so many people who know or have met Ben have commented afterwards. What is heartening is the positive and kind reaction people have recounted on meeting Ben in public spaces. Ben is a really special person and it's a testament to his personality and determination that he has continued to develop well beyond the 5 or 6 years the doctors said he would. Every time I see him he has a new interest or a increased understanding of an existing one, like ballet which he adores.
Ben says 'I'm not angry' because he isn't, he's not bitter, he genuinely loves life, he loves people, he loves the world and everything in it. One day I will help him realise his dream of becoming a fight director.
He's now giving my wife an impromptu yoga lesson but here's his comment -

'I was a stuntman, I'm vaguely recovering, I do sport everyday, thank you for writing about me'
BB.

[nike dunk low]

Nothing is impossible, only if we try our best to do.

[John Crane]

My Fiancée works at a support centre which Ben attends once a week.
I've met him several times.
I don't know him massively well, but what I do know is that he would never knowingly do harm to another living thing.
A rare quality indeed.

[Angela Davies]

What an amazing article and so well written.

I know Ben through "Headway" Shoreditch.

My son Adrian attends there as a volunteer from Mon- Weds every week as he had a brain injury about 11 yrs ago.

Ben is a lovely guy with so much talent and I hope he has lots of friends and family to support him after his accident.

God bless all at "Headway"- they are amazing people

Angela (Adrian's Mum)

[Carol]

Interesting post. There really are times when we seem not to care a thing about the world and then suddenly we are humbled. Ben sounds like a good man. I wish him well.

[Sorrel]

I met Ben on Saturday in Bristol; he asked for directions to get back to the coach station from the other side of the centre but we ended up walking together as his vision and walking weren’t good. As we made our way across town he chatted about himself (punctuated by frequent verbal tics of “I’m not angry” and “are you very scared of me?”) and asked me questions about all kinds of things - my favourite film stars, musicians, animals, was I interested in languages. The layers of what he said built up into the extraordinary story that is told above. He had come to Bristol for a day trip to visit the Zoo and the Bristol Old Vic Theatre School where he used to teach sword fighting. In fact, everything we talked about he would come out with something that seemed too fantastical to be true – I mentioned that I had Olympic tickets to see the Sabre fighting – he said he had too because he used to be a champion Sabre fighter. We talked about my boyfriend liking motorbikes – he used to ride a sports bike just like his. We talked about Will Smith being a rapper and an actor – and he said he used to be a DJ that put out a record once. And then the stuntman Oscar stuff seemed way out there – but I didn’t question it – because having met him it seemed completely consistent with his energy, enthusiasm and, brutal to say, injuries. The only reason I found this post is because my boyfriend didn’t believe that the guy could be telling the truth when I got home so, without knowing his name, I did a google search and found this post. At which point I promptly burst into tears. I can’t believe how lucky he is to be alive.

[m]

I met him today in Starbucks next to Victoria Station. It was exactly the same story - he told me that he used to be a stuntman, had an Oscar nomination and had an accident in Spain. He is still keen to see the world - Russia (Saint Petersburg), Poland, everywhere... and everything is beautiful for him :)

At the end strange thing happened - he said that I think he is stupid... which wasn't true of course... maybe I looked tired after long trip... but anyway - short after he disappeared.

Meeting him really made my day. Thank you

[John Purdie]

I used to know Ben pre accident and stunt career. I played ultimate frisbee with him in North London for number of years. He was a highly gifted player with remarkable hand-eye coordination. One thing he doesn't seem to have mentioned to anyone are his skills as a juggler.

He did work as a music journalist (Time Out amongst others) and DJ. A very nice bloke and I am deeply saddened to hear of his predicament. If anyone reading this meets him again please mention ultimate frisbee to him and let him know I wish him all the best in his recovery.

JOhnP
ps: the record he had a minor hit with is here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiXieePZlXo
and a closer look at the credits on the record:
http://www.discogs.com/viewimages?release=60599

[Caroline]

I had the pleasure of meeting Ben yesterday. We were standing at a temporary bus stop on Kings Road. We were both waiting for Bus 11 to Victoria. He told me he used to be a stuntman, asked who my favourite actors were (Geoffrey Rush and Kate Winslet) and was pleased when I told him about my love of horses. I think he was looking for some company. He kept asking me if I was scared of him and kept saying he wouldn't hurt me. I felt quite comfortable in his presence as we chatted away.

I wish him the very best.

[Simon Nicol]

I hope that this is the right 'Ben' I'm addressing, but if ever I knew a man called Ben, it was a dear friend on mine called Benedict Titus Bellman. As he was growing up - I knew that one day he would become a stunt man, plain and simple.

Ben was my very best friend, he knew that and I knew that.

One day in Knightsbridge the next in a boarding school in a little town in Switzerland called Glion, where we planned an escape route across the Alps. His parents were Rosemary and Geoffery.

Is it this Ben with whom I used to go sliding down the stairs on a matress at 44 South Eaton Place? Is it this Ben who, I think it must have been his 8th or 9th birthday, fired an arrow straight through his window and into the garden beyond...?

From what I understand, having tried to track you down on the Internet you've had a bit of an accident and aren't well. I'm deeply saddened to hear that. We have many years to catch up on.

If it's you please get in contact of ask one of your friends or family to help you to do so.

simonnicol at gmail dot com :)

[Louise]

I met Ben in Starbucks next to Victoria station on the Monday just passed, and although I was apprehensive at first me and my friend ended up chatting to him for about an hour. He was so kind hearted and had done so many amazing things in his life, I was so inspired. After talking about all the things he had done he asked us what we did, and we didn't really have much to say other than we went to University and had a job on the side, he has really made me think more about life and how much there is out there, so I am going to go and do it. Thank you Ben, for making me make the most of life again.